Companion Animal Loss

"She was always there for me. In good times and bad, Cindi's love never wavered. When I came home, she would welcome me unconditionally no matter what else was happening. I miss her terribly!" This sentiment, typical of the comments we hear in a monthly Hospice support group, refers not to a spouse, sister or daughter, but to an animal companion. In accepting companion animals into our lives, we accept the same risk as we do in beginning any relationship. Like all living beings, they eventually die. And since their life span is typically shorter than our own, it is likely they will precede us in death. It's helpful to be aware of this when we enter our relationship with them, since it is likely that we'll be called upon to make decisions on their behalf as their death approaches.

Companion animals, like all companions, are living beings with whom we share a relationship. They may be one among many family members, or perhaps the only other being at home, but whichever it is we enjoy a unique relationship with each. For those who would dismiss this relationship as less important than those we share with humans, I would ask that you consider the following. Love is not so easily limited. We love and are loved by our dearest friends, spouses, significant others, and adopted children, though they are not related to us by blood. We share important and loving relationships with those who are blind, deaf, or mute, though they may be unable to communicate with us in one or more of the traditional ways. And love relationships between people who don't "speak the same language" have likely existed since the dawn of human relationships. Since more than 90% of all communication is non-verbal, it isn't difficult to understand how we might form important and deeply loving relationships with animal companions as well. While neither blood relatives nor skilled conversationalists, who else in our lives accepts us so unconditionally, enthusiastically and with such consistency?

Anyone who has enjoyed the unconditional love of an animal knows how strong this bond can be. Though lacking verbal skills, many companion animals have keen insights into how we're feeling and manage to communicate their support without words. They are often our primary outlet for giving and receiving affectionate touch. Many have experienced this special connection growing up, others as adults in times of joy and turmoil, and still others when the human companions in their lives have died or moved away leaving primarily animal companions to bring them love and affection. There are those too who have chosen, or been chosen by, animal companions in lieu of the children they either couldn't, or decided not to, have for a variety of reasons. Regardless of the reasons, in many families animals are integral family members whose full worth is sometimes only understood with the pain their death brings.

Just as love is not limited to humans, grief is not limited to the loss of humans. It is the strength of the bond, not the species of the companion, that plays the biggest role in grieving. Additionally, the length of the relationship, the amount of time spent together, the number and importance of roles they've played in our lives, and other factors not limited to human relationships, determine the importance of the loss and depth of grief we experience following the death of an animal companion.

In our society, grieving the death of animals is not as widely accepted as is grieving the loss of humans. This does not mean that there is less pain involved, but that there is less support for moving through that pain. Finding caring others that will listen and provide support is key to grieving and healing the losses. Many who have lost companion animals have also found it helpful to engage in memorial activities and personal rituals. These might include holding a memorial service, setting up a memory corner of favorite pictures and things, putting together a scrapbook or photo album, returning to spend time at favorite places, buying and wearing a tee-shirt or other clothing containing an embossed picture of their companion, lighting candles, volunteering at the local humane society, and many others limited only by experience and imagination. Most important, however, is an outlet for talking about our lost love. Many of us have experienced that the very memories which bring violent feelings in the days and months following a loss, eventually turn into golden memories which bring us comfort and a deeper peace. Those we have loved have each taught us something about love and, eventually, we love again. m