INTERVIEW WITH JILL DENTON
1. I understand that there is not ONE solution to the varied and intense problems within the sexual arena, but can you give us an example of a healing experience that you have either witnessed or was involved with...
Yes, I can tell you more about how healing often happens for clients I work with, especially when the "problem" is "kinky" expression of sexuality. I don’t believe that these people need or require a "cure." I do believe that they need to feel and know that they are entirely acceptable in my eyes- even if more traditional ("vanilla") society looks down on them and ostracizes them. For example, I worked with a woman years ago who was sexually aroused by "bondage and discipline" with male partners. She confirmed that she was "a complete masochist." Her marriage had ended, her grown children had rejected her, and her forays into this kind of kink had been disappointing and sometimes downright dangerous. When a friend referred her to me she was filled with despair and terribly lonely, afraid that she would be compelled to spend the rest of her life involved with seriously abusive male "dominants" who expected her to play the role of "sex slave." To begin, I helped her to realize that she was "OK" - just the way she was. She needed to trust that she was a human BEING - not a human DOING things in bed that were somehow bad or shameful. I continued to assure her that there were good and gentle men in the world who might be open to exploring S&M with her, WITHIN the safe context of a committed and loving relationship. Her transformation wasn’t instantaneous, but it was thrilling to watch her gradually accept ALL aspects of who she was. I recently heard from her - she’s living with a guy she married in 1995 and they’re having a great time exploring alternatives to vanilla sex!
2. Do you try to change the behavior or change the attitude about the behavior? Some people may feel that they are "bad" for doing or fantacizing certain things, but it appears to me if they somehow removed the mental guilt that they could feel much happier about the incredible variety of sexual enjoyment.
I help people to shift the way they FEEL about whatever sexual behavior is troubling them (except when, of course, that behavior would be harmful to themselves or anyone else, especially a minor. In over 20 years of practice, I’ve never had someone come to me reporting that they wanted to harm someone, thank goodness!) As you point out in your question, helping people accept themselves means helping them relax and celebrate the marvelous variety of sexual pleasure that is possible for us. There is a fascinating new book that talks about Sexual Exuberance among non-human animals. There are species like the Bonobo Pigmy Chimpanzees of West Africa that revel in sheer "exuberance" of sexual fun and expression with one another - same gender and opposite gender. We "intelligent" humans have so much to learn from these close relatives!
3. What is the leading specific problem that you are encountering recently? And do you have any theories about why that is so?
The leading specific problem I’m encountering recently is "cyber sex." The computer’s provision of instant gratification combined with privacy is spinning an increasing number of people into isolation and alienation every day. Anonymity, accessiblity, and affordability are the three factors that really exacerbate this problem. No one sees anyone in sex sites, and what other form of sexual gratification is available seven days per week, 24 hours per day? Cybersex is always at your fingertips. Affordability factors in as well, because while most rel-life sexual compulsive acting out can be expensive, cybersex is not! Men and women make different cybersex choices, with men most often choosing visual erotica and women favoring chat rooms when they don’t feel confident enough to attempt face-to-face communication in the real world. A typical example would be the over-weight woman who frquents chat rooms for people who "like em big."
4. What is your main work and tell us how you got involved in this business?
I didn’t grow up planning to become a psychotherapist. In fact, when I graduated with a degree in English literature, I wanted to be a screen-writer and began graduate studies at UCLA Film School. My plans suddenly changed when one night I was violently attacked. In the aftermath, I couldn’t find anyone who was skilled to help me deal with the nightmares, the fear, the sudden panic. So I decided to study psychology and train as a therapist so I could help people in similar situations. Through my own experience I gained invaluable sensitivity in working with post-traumatic stress problems, as well as with survivors of sexual abuse and addictions of all kinds. Many of my clients over the years have been experiencing family and personal tensions as a result of gender and identity issues, and many have difficulties with sexuality and "alternative" forms of expression. Since 1992, I’ve made a special study of sexual addiction and dysfunction and their effect on life. This means I assists many indivduals and couples who are experiencing problems in their intimate relationships. I love my work and feel very grateful that I can help make a differnce for people who feel they’re on the outside looking in.
Jill Denton is a Los Osos Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who's been helping individuals and couples for over 20 years. 534-1101 or www.AccessPt.com.
