Truth Telling as an Aphrodisiac

Truth
Telling
as an
Aphrodisiac

by Bob Banner

At one time there used to be models, rules and various guidelines that helped us define what it meant to be "in a relationship." There was a consensual agreement and a security in knowing the rules; knowing what was expected of us. But today the guidelines are no longer tidy and well scripted. And that can breed much insecurity let alone confusion and frustration. Yet this same insecurity can also be viewed as most challenging because the demand is now upon us to create our own rules, our own guidelines. As John Welwood writes in his excellent Journey of the Heart (Intimate Relationship and the Path of Love): "Now for the first time in history, every couple is on their own — to discover how to build a healthy relationship, and to forge their own vision of how and why to be together. It is important to appreciate just how new this situation is. We are all pioneers in this unexplored territory."
When I first read that I felt so relieved... a sense of compassion emerged for myself and my friends who have been struggling with relationships. It was as if I no longer had to find some solution (whether ancient or traditionally religious) out there that would somehow make it all right. I was free to be a pioneer — which means making mistakes, hurting people, hurting myself, getting involved in circumstances that were way out of my emotional capabilities, dropping out of the entire scene and then gradually and gently moving back into it.
My point in this all too brief essay is to explore the sacredness of this journey of finding a mate. First off, I cannot overemphasize the need to move slowly... to become genuine friends, to explore and discover honestly who the "other" is (let alone knowing who we are). An intimate relationship is one of the most sacred and precious gifts available to the human species. It gives us an opportunity to open our hearts to another person — to feel the tender openings of love coming our way. Being loved is awesome. It opens old wounds of how we weren’t loved as children or how we were abused when certain adults invaded our innocence and natural naiveté. Being loved, feeling the loving energy from the other is like food to a starving man or woman. It is a food from the gods and goddesses given to us to feed our souls.
Many of us freak out when we feel love coming our way let alone knowing how to love others. We’re more familiar with romance, titillation, clinging, desperation, complaining, whining and blaming. It’s no wonder so many of us have given up on "finding a relationship" since it brings up all the stuff that didn’t work in the past: the brutal betrayals, the high expectations, the horrendous sexual fights... But what about bringing these truthful dramas and experiences of our unique journey into the new relationship. Not to repeat the past, but to use the past as compost in order to cultivate awareness, curiosity, and the humor that comes with telling our stories... revealing our journeys.
For example, if I find myself babbling on about work or mechanically rubbing my lover’s breasts in a certain way that worked before but without feeling what I’m doing — do I have enough balls to stop and say "This doesn’t feel right." Or does the woman have enough courage to say, "Where did you go? I can’t feel you present with me." And if that occurred, wouldn’t it be great to turn the lights on, look honestly into each’s eyes and share what’s really going on. To me, that’s a turn on! That’s what genuine intimacy is all about! Turning the lights on to all the fantasies, romantic memories and mind games we play with each other in order to get what we think we want. It may appear to be quite scary and very vulnerable to actually initiate a dialogue of truth-telling but often times the truth can act as a very powerful aphrodisiac; more powerful than all those techno-devices they sell in the sex shops and catalogs.
Bob Banner is a window washer, free lance writer, and is publisher of HopeDance Magazine (www.hopedance.org).