When I speak I want to be listened to. When you speak you want to be listened to. Sounds like we have the makings of a conversation here: I speak, you listen, you speak, I listen. People sometimes point out to me that I’m very intelligent. When I’m listening I hear what other people are saying, see what their bodies are doing, read their energy, sense their feelings, process this all very quickly and move on to something really important: what I want to say! How much I can teach them!
For a long time I’ve noticed how this is not well received by others. What I hadn’t noticed until recently is how aggressive it is. Far from compassion, it’s an attack. Here I am dedicating myself to showing others the attack hidden in everything in society and I find the attack alive and well in my thoughts and my speech! The common thread in my research, consulting, and writing has been the origin and history of the hidden attack, the many forms it takes, the ways it shows itself, whodunit, when, why, how it works, how it affects us, and ways to sidestep it and even thrive in spite of it. All of this pales in comparison to putting an end to it in this moment. This is where Marshall Rosenberg comes in.
Recently I was introduced to Marshall Rosenberg and his work at a two-day workshop he gave in Santa Barbara. Marshall is a clinical psychologist who departed from convention to do his own thing. Nearly 40 years ago, he began developing a process he calls ‘Nonviolent Communication’ or NVC. He is well read on his subject, but, more so, he has restored his human sensitivity and awareness. Basically, he demonstrates to humans what it is to be human. Marshall observes that our attack style of communication supports the “creep theory.” This theory, forwarded by Walter Wink in “The Powers That Be,” looks back through 8,000 years of history and reveals an attitude that sees people as the enemy. Humans by and large adopted this “enemy images” thinking, which has resulted in self-perpetuating domination cultures; humans attacking humans. It can be heard in the language today.
The flip side of all this is centered around human needs. Marshall is pioneering a culture where people are aware of their needs and use a language that expresses needs. They also listen for other people’s needs, vocalize those needs, and explore solutions that contribute to the aliveness of everyone. There is no such thing as conflicting needs; all people have the same needs.
The NVC process is simple yet profound. Instead of using your mind to power the assumption that people are the enemy (to your own great detriment), the goal instead is to know what people are feeling and what their needs are.
Briefly, NVC is the four steps: observation, feeling, needs, and requests. There is a lot to it.
If you are the listener, begin by hearing what the speakers are saying and perhaps simply repeating what was said so they know you heard them. You also want know what they’re feeling. You may guess if they didn’t express it and ask them if, indeed, that is how they’re feeling. Behind their feelings are needs. You may have to guess these too, put words to them, and check it out with them. Then draw out of them a request that fulfills their needs. See if you can find a way this serves the aliveness in both of you. It might go something like, “I hear ..., I sense that made you feel ..., because your need for ..., and you would like me to ....?” You’ve added nothing, just repeated what was communicated to you, yet you’ve said a lot. Perhaps you didn’t even do it right. That’s okay, you did it human.
Empathy is key. It may take a while to give others all the empathy they need. A lot of people are running around with their empathy tank near empty. Marshall Rosenberg, in his book “Nonviolent Communication,” writes, “I continue to be amazed by the healing power of empathy. Time and again I have witnessed people transcending the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when they have sufficient contact with someone who can hear them empathetically. As listeners, we don’t need insights into psychological dynamics or training in psychotherapy. What is essential is our ability to be present to what’s really going on within, to the unique feelings and needs a person is experiencing in that very moment.”
He quotes Carl Rogers, “When… someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good. …When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.”
The speaker isn’t the only one who benefits from this deep listening. It is not one-sided at all. Marshall tells a story in his book about his encounter with a judgmental man and concludes, “…I’ve learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don’t hear what they think. Especially with folks who have his kind of thoughts, I’ve learned to savor life much more by only hearing what’s going on in their hearts and not getting caught up with the stuff in their heads.” When you are the speaker you can apply the four steps directly. Begin by stating your observation, how you feel operawhen you make that observation, and what need is going unmet and giving rise to those feelings in the moment, and close with what you would like the other person to do. You might sound like, “I saw ..., I felt ..., because my need for ..., would you ...? Gratitude is expressed similarly, stating your observation, feelings, the need that was met, and how that enriched your life.
If you want others to do something differently, then know what you want them to do. But that’s not all. Know also what you want their reasons to be for doing what you would like them to do. If your objective is to get someone to do something, then that’s not NVC. NVC is a needs language and it is a language of choice. NVC is centered on the fun of contributing to life and the enjoyment we receive when we contribute to another’s well-being. Far from being a counseling technique for the office, it is an intention, a way of life, and a set of tools for when the going gets rough.
NVC doesn’t hear “no.” Instead it hears the unmet needs behind the no. NVC doesn’t say “no,” instead it finds empathy for the needs in the request, and expresses the needs that keep the answer from being “yes.” Marshall says, “Needs are life in action. Everyone has needs.”
One form of attack thinking objectifies people with labels. It doesn’t matter the label — smart, lazy, or beautiful — this kind of thinking seeds the language of war. It diminishes the person holding the thoughts. If you see someone as an alcoholic, you lose power. Often these labels are expressed, sometimes in anger. Marshall calls this a “free diagnosis.” He points out that a diagnosis is the tragic statement of an unmet need in the diagnoser. Rather than argue what a person is, the lifegiving process is to find ways to meet his or her needs.
I suppose that listening with the heart is nothing new. Yet I’m impressed by how difficult it has been to apply this shift in perspective in the weeks since the workshop. My conditioning runs deep. Marshall’s process is a bridge to step out of one world and into another. |
